My earliest memories were those of travelling, literally wherever my mind wondered, I remember soaring through buildings, which remarkably were not solid. The journey was predestined but the underlying purpose was somehow hidden from me. No words were uttered, but surprisingly there was no need to accumulate knowledge or seek any explanation. My identity was minuscule, name, gender, possessions were not relevant. There was perhaps a rawness in my feelings which could be mistaken for innocence. Unlike dreams there was an awareness that this was indeed a higher reality. If I could have gazed into a mirror at that time, it is unlikely I would have recognised myself.

Hunting for evil is surprisingly elusive. Wherever we venture, the earth around us seems tainted, yet the perpetrators remain invisible to us. This is life’s great ‘whodunit’, an intriguing mystery which both frightens and fascinates us. Being ‘moral’ as such, we assign to ourselves the role of the detective, who will investigate and track down these evil doers, but to our constant disappointment they seem to always be one step ahead. We need to be cleverer and more knowledgeable; our endeavours appear to be successful as we create great works of art and explore the hidden depths of science.

The doctrine of individualism is so attractive for within its much vaunted ‘freedom’ is the prospect of controlling one’s own future. This seems exciting and adventurous with the opportunity to improve one’s lot in life; one only needs to try one’s best. However, one is coerced to compete with your fellow man; a survival of the fittest, a seemingly fair meritocracy but in essence it serves only to place you at a higher vantage point; elitism at it most subtle, a betrayal of your humanity and compassion. The other problem of being in charge of one’s future, is the responsibility it entails. For you then have to plan in meticulous detail not just one’s own life but that of your family and even friends. The slightest mistake, you are told could have dire consequences and understandably you seek help and assistance, which comes in the form of education and professional advice. The irony being that no sooner are you given the right to determine your own life, you subconsciously hand over the controls to someone else. These ‘do-gooders’ are only too happy to come to your aid because your misery has given them a ‘raison d’etre’.

We are tempted to view War and the problems it brings, as being avoidable, unnecessary and the epitome of all that it evil. However, this perception, while popular is misleading; for the alternatives could mean ignoring that which is truly evil, submitting unreservedly to an oppressive regime or even to betray all that is precious or sacred to us. Some things are worth fighting for and indeed the potential sacrifice involved to save others is the hallmark of heroism. The real issue, however, is who is the enemy? We are no longer talking of political opponents where people seek to control and subjugate others because this form of overt persecution only led to stout resistance and the creation of martyrs. The real enemy was of course more cunning and devious; by pretending to promote freedoms it sought a more long-term and permanent strategy namely of indoctrination and material well-being. Thus, technology and mass media together with educational reforms have attempted to make religion redundant, old fashioned and naïve. Modern liberalism with its emphasis on individuality and materialism hopes to succeed where communism had failed, indeed the former prides itself on its economic competency and promises of prosperity.

So, there you are, my long-lost friend, you look lost and forlorn. Surprisingly, this is a good sign for at least you have come to realise the ongoing futility of modern society. I heard you were looking for somebody like me. I am sorry to say I had wandered off and to such an extent you thought I was no longer in reach or possibly disinterested in your welfare; nothing could be further from the truth. Even worse you felt forgotten and alone. I hadn’t realised you were trying to follow me but in truth I didn’t want you to follow ME for I have often got lost myself and am easily distracted and rarely seem to follow my own path. I am certainly not fit to be your guide, for how would I even know where you are going or where is your true destiny, which only you can know. I am talking about the special destination each of us is given, the one that provides us with our purpose in life – our own secret mission.

The determination by Man to ‘create’ is perversely, an attempt to eradicate any hallmarks left by the true Creator. The legacies of Man left for all of us to admire are just the ‘childlike drawings’ in our efforts to understand true science, art and philosophy. We have applauded ourselves for striving for reason, beauty and wisdom; yet in truth we have achieved nothing; it is better to be grounded in God than fly with Man. I believe all knowledge is but vanity, an attempt to expunge our own deep consciousness and to live in the artificial and shallow sensations of our material world. To walk with God is to reject the relevance and indeed reverence towards the great thinkers of our age or any age; Man’s wisdom is foolishness to God and thus we need to undermine the very cornerstones of Man’s beliefs in himself and his prodigies.

There was a time when I stated that I needed more evidence before I made any rash declaration, and while I still intend to lie low, I feel time is running out. Deep within my memories are other worldly experiences, which render reality, even with all its adornments and knowledge, to be temporal and vain. Indeed, to add to this vanity we each don the mask of conformity. This mask is simply the daily façade which each of us upholds to create an illusion of wisdom, morality and general happiness. This pretence is unintentional and possibly subconscious; however, it is so convincing no-one dares to question it. So, we steadfastly engage in this masquerade and conform to the mass delusion about who we really are and what our purpose in life is about. We even joke about the fear of examining our inner self like an embarrassing relative whom we need to lock away in some dank cellar. Thus, the real ‘us’ is hidden from view to the extent that for most times, we even fail to recognise who we are, becoming ever increasingly isolated. If we then doubt the existence of this feeling in others, a sense of complete loneliness ensues.

Sometimes perhaps from an early age or through some ‘road to Damascus’ incident people encounter shadowy figures who wish to transform their lives. For those who feel they already have a conscience, may be saddened that one of these figures does not pay them a visit and are somewhat envious of those, who despite appalling breaches of morality, are able to welcome this guest to come and reside with them. Of course, the former need not be disheartened for the guest had already arrived albeit years ago, the difference here being that the lodger was simply occupying their ‘spiritual attic’ being consulted only in times of emergency or despair.

Who are we? How do we define ourselves and describe this to others? Strangely we look outside our very being to define who we are? In truth our very spirit cannot be described in terms of gender, sexuality, race, nationality, colour or even creed. If we strip ourselves down to our inner being, we will find none of this; instead, the best we can hope for is a quiet inner peace which floats within a sea of contentment. It is now that a realisation comes to the fore, His Spirit, so carefully sprinkled by God onto all mankind, may have to dwell in a seemingly barren or hostile landscapes. How does a person react to this invasion, where the ego is obliged to submit to a higher power? This of course is the real battle, the battle that dwarfs all World Wars past and future for all men and women are affected; at stake is everyone’s eternal life.

I may be near the end of my journey, but instead of a beautiful paradise, I am entering a realm of hideous darkness, where sheer loneliness resides. Here lies persist, marinated in pleasure and desires which seem palatable and innocent. Indeed, one is tempted to fight for imaginary injustices, devise theories to gloss over our ignorance and listen to platitudes about our own greatness and beauty. We smile at one another believing this togetherness and ‘shared’ ideals will save us and give meaning to our otherwise miserable existence. I have for as long as I remember questioned God for allowing me to commit such acts of stupidity or even pollute my mind with selfish thoughts, which in turn are riddled with lies. I have come to realise albeit in only glimpses that it has been done, so as to alienate me from our material world. The reality is that whenever I wish to emerge, to promote myself, I will be cut down. Whenever, I now think of me, the purposelessness of my life seeps through to the surface, and my feelings are awash with my own ineptitude and embarrassment; I cannot escape from me.

I thought I had reached the proverbial ‘bottom’, only to find the ground beneath me was crumbling and to my horror, an even worse picture of me was to emerge. It’s strange in that despite acknowledging my own guilt and recognising my own ugliness, there was a sense of calmness. I didn’t feel the need to stretch out my arms to possible rescuers or even to call out for help. My fate had already been sealed and though I feel I had failed this life-long test miserably, with numerous missed opportunities, glaring omissions and appalling acts of stupidity, there was a quiet reassuring voice that I might just pass! I can barely believe my good fortune but somewhat wary of requesting a full explanation.

There will always be that time or indeed times in your life when you will not only despise yourself but heap ridicule upon your very being and strip away any purpose or meaning to your very existence. Strangely this nightmarish scenario is a great opportunity, for within the depth of this ugliness is true understanding. Our purpose in life is not bound in recognition or esteem nor is it linked with a legacy or contribution to Man’s achievements; instead, it is quiet and anonymous merely there to reflect God’s Love into other people’s lives. This Love however is surprisingly harsh and caustic for in shining through us it breaks the very fabric of our own ego and dissolves the facades that provide superficial meaning to our lives.