Camouflage

At times, I barely recognise myself; when I delve into my own history there is a sense of detachment. However, every now and then I cringe at the embarrassing episodes of my life, just when I was about to believe in myself. I am hopelessly flawed, and my mistakes cannot be undone so that my image will be forever tarnished. Surely, God would not have allowed this, but then I realised He was simply trying to uproot that which most evil and destructive in my life - me. What I mistook for punishment was his Hand working and sculpting me to do the things He commanded namely, to forgive others and love ‘thine’ enemies; this spiritual surgery would have been less painful had I simply acquiesced and not resisted. What I thought was the Devil’s work in terms of temptation was actually my own, by trying to preserve my own ego and self-righteousness, not realising that this humiliation was a blessing and rather than being abandoned He was lavishing his attention on me.

I look back over the years, seeing how much I have changed and yet in my heart, I still feel the same. I am amazed at God’s patience and the journey I have gone through and how His love for me has persevered despite my emotional frailty and mental dullness; I need to extend this degree of long suffering to those around me and refrain from exalting myself or assuming that I am someone special; I am after all, nothing on my own. The release from desires is another boon to which we need to express our gratitude. There is no advantage to being rich if you still crave more or have a banquet and still feel hungry.

I do however wonder why I am not ecstatic when I sense God’s Spirit is near, then I understand that until all of us are united with Him, we can never fully enjoy the true wonderment of being near Him. Instead, we can expect a contentment that of being protected without the need to continual defend oneself or even to assail our adversaries. Like squabbling siblings these enemies may turn out to be our spiritual brothers and sisters who maybe further on in their own mystical expedition or perhaps just starting out on their perilous adventure; yes, we must extend our kindness to all whenever possible. As ever this is a voyage, that is on-going and where the destination is only reached when we die, hopefully by then the fear of death will disappear as your shadows would do, when you are surrounded all around by light. Death would be simply a door to a new reality.