Descent into Hell

I may be near the end of my journey, but instead of a beautiful paradise, I am entering a realm of hideous darkness, where sheer loneliness resides. Here lies persist, marinated in pleasure and desires which seem palatable and innocent. Indeed, one is tempted to fight for imaginary injustices, devise theories to gloss over our ignorance and listen to platitudes about our own greatness and beauty. We smile at one another believing this togetherness and ‘shared’ ideals will save us and give meaning to our otherwise miserable existence. I have for as long as I remember questioned God for allowing me to commit such acts of stupidity or even pollute my mind with selfish thoughts, which in turn are riddled with lies. I have come to realise albeit in only glimpses that it has been done, so as to alienate me from our material world. The reality is that whenever I wish to emerge, to promote myself, I will be cut down. Whenever, I now think of me, the purposelessness of my life seeps through to the surface, and my feelings are awash with my own ineptitude and embarrassment; I cannot escape from me.

True freedom is when I am no longer defined as an individual with a unique identity or a personality with any special characteristics, but instead I am defined simply by what I do or feel. I had let go and felt the rapid descent, as I fall into apparent oblivion, trusting in only your mercy and not my own righteousness to save me; this is despite the obvious condemnation I fully deserve, knowing that the defence of myself would be my complete undoing. Here is where a different type of loneliness comes to light; it is not frightening and no longer shrouded in gloom or despondency, but somewhat brighter with an air of clinical serenity. I am however separated from my fellow man and sense this is for my own protection, a spiritual quarantine. To communicate with them, would be extremely difficult and as always, it will not be clever sayings or arguments that will persuade them of my innocence but by deeds of kindness and perhaps a sense of love that permeates through these words so that others may see a vague reflection of themselves.