The time eventually arrived when all my promises and verbal utterances were to be put into place. I had, like many, declared wonderful statements of intent, of how ‘I would lay down my life’ and all that I owned on God’s behalf. Indeed, it was commonplace for people to make such wide-eyed promises in the places of worship. I suspect, few of us really believed that God would take us seriously that our prayers would be answered and our personal mission in life would be given the green light. It is strange how we imagined within this future turmoil that we would rest in an inner sea of serenity, as if the impending changes would leave us untouched. Ironically, it’s as if the decision to go forward was almost a means of avoiding damage to ourselves.
I am standing on the threshold of a dream, in that I can, as it were, see heaven on a clear day, but the present needs require that I step backwards to consider my own feelings and desires. The latter seem so well intentioned, quite deserving but fraught with impending danger. I suspect the ‘fall’ would leave me permanently and severely disfigured such that any future life on earth would be hopeless. I feel I am swaying in a high breeze, to think about my life is like gazing into a vacuum; to consider my wishes merely reveals my own emptiness and to strive for love simply compounds my own stupidity. I know this ‘plainness’ which I feel about myself, is due to your wisdom and that somehow this is just a starting point on yet another adventure. Part of me wishes to protest my tiredness as if I could be excused from the presenting anxieties. At times, I would be content to go home in preference to the heartache and general fatigue. I feel battle-weary and injured, but I realise that I should simply do Your Will, as has already been revealed to me. Please give me the strength to endure.
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